New Year, Same Me

7 hours left until I’m thrown into 2017.

Right now I’m house sitting and I have a super early shift scheduled for the morning. This leaves me in the company of two dogs, nine chickens, four fish and a rabbit. That’s okay with me.

This time, last year, I was drinking way too much and suffering from the emotional pain that was a 3-year-long relationship ending. I didn’t know how I would get through the year. I remembered thinking that 2016 would suck and that I would never feel happy again.

2016 did kind of suck, but some good things happened too. I had to walk away from a job that I loved, but I learned how important it is to listen to my gut and make decisions for my mental well-being. I learned that dating is TOUGH, but you can meet some pretty cool people if you to don’t take it too seriously. I learned that it takes a long time to heal and that it’s okay to not be “okay”. I learned how to help people understand me by opening up about how things make me feel – even if I’m afraid they’ll think I’m nuts.

Honestly, “Marcie is nuts!” should really be some kind of disclaimer.

I often go into the new year with the idea that I’m going to change. I’m going to lose the weight, acquire the skills, make the friends and become a whole new person.

There’s a lot about myself that I would like to change. But this last year has taught me that being… me is perfectly fine.

So. Here’s to 2017. I’m not sure what will happen, but I’m going to keep building on this weird, lumpy, loud, clumsy, and bird-loving foundation that I’ve made for myself.

It’ll do just fine.

 

Coffee and Perseverance

Holy crap, that title could not be cheesier if I tried. Okay… I could’ve added hashtagblessed to it. Perspective.

Here are some things that you’ve missed out on, if you don’t follow me on any other kind of social media. I found a job, I’ve been talking to friends more, my social anxiety and depression are less of an issue than they were a few months ago. I’m losing a bit of weight, I find myself smiling more, I’ve planned a tattoo (that gets its own post soon!) and I’ve come to terms with the fact that being back on my parents’ couch doesn’t make me less of a person.

I’m working as a Barista at Starbucks. I’m loving it! This is such a progressive and inclusive company! I’m loving all of the strides that Starbucks has taken to make EVERYONE feel welcome in their stores and encourage people to tell their stories. They treat their Partners with respect and though I definitely still have SO much to learn about my job, my fellow Partners have welcomed me to their family with open arms. Right when I was on the brink of saying, “This is never going to happen! No one is going to hire me!” I got the interview and almost immediately got the call back.

Keep fighting, guys. The job search is so hard and SO real – you will find the place where you fit!

This job has finally allowed me to start making plans. I had been getting pretty scared as my 25th birthday is in March and I REALLY wanted to get down to Orlando to celebrate. I’ve set up a budget and I’m booking the tickets on Friday. I absolutely can’t wait to be back in my “home” and see so many friends that I love and miss every day.

I have things to look forward to! I finally feel like I’m getting out of my “cloud”. I know what day of the week it is, I’m waking up early (seriously – 3:15AM some mornings!), I’m forming relationships with my family members I’m normally not close to. I’m doing better and it feels wonderful, for the most part.

(For the most part – meaning that I’m developing anxiety over the fact that I’m anxious over yet and I’m aware that depression doesn’t ‘go away’ and that I could find myself in another cloud at any point.)

I’m figuring it out and I’m loving hanging on to hope right now.

Anxiety and the Great Job Search

DEAR GOD WHY IS FINDING A JOB SO HARD. I’m nice! I’m fairly intelligent! I love working and just want to do my best and also get paid for it! Is that too much to ask? Apparently.

I send out application after application, resume after resume… I write my cover letters and try not to sound too desperate. Is: “I AM SO BROKE AND I JUST NEED SOMETHING TO DO AND MY BEST FRIEND IS MY GRANDMA AND I LOVE BIRDS SO MUCH AND ALSO I’M GOOD AT COMPUTER-ING AND PEOPLE-TALKING PLEASE HIRE ME PLEASE” too much?

Well, crap.

I know that something will open up. Somewhere or some way, a window is going to open and I will get that “damn you, six o’clock in the morning” feeling again. Or even better that, “oh, yes baby. gimme that direct deposit” feeling. It will happen. I know that I’ll be hired again and I’ll find a way to love it. I’ve never disliked any job that I’ve ever had, I am good about finding the good and sticking with it. I think that most of my nervousness stems from leaving my last job and feeling really incomplete.

I quit my last job because I was dealing with a lot of anxiety that came from a stalker that found out where I worked and would come into the shop and say terrible things about me or follow me from work and give me the creeps. He knew what he was doing, too. The police couldn’t do anything about it because he hadn’t “openly” threatened me. He would say some rude things when he come in every single day, but he never actually threatened my life. Which was really crappy because “I don’t feel safe”, and “I’m losing sleep at night”, and “I can’t see a white pickup truck without hiding behind a trashcan and we’re in fucking TEXAS right now and white pick up trucks are EVERYWHERE” isn’t enough to get a restraining order.

My manager was the best though. She did everything that she could to help me feel safe. Allowing me to step into the break room when he came into the shop, asking him to leave when he got particularly nasty and having an employee meet me at my car or walk me to my car at the beginning or end of a shift.

I loved that freakin’ job.

I loved it. Before all of the crazy went down, I looked forward to coming into work every day. I met so many people every day and always walked out of work with a hilarious story. It was one of the first times in the many odd-jobs I’ve had that I felt like I was good at what I did and that I was making a difference in the lives of my clients.

I was a Sales Representative for a product that I was (and still am!) passionate about; hitting my goals for the week or month gave me the dopiest smile on my face. I was good at sales and I didn’t feel dumb or conceited to tell myself that when I was going to sleep at night.

I’ve always struggled with anxiety. I have a nervous stomach and can work myself into a puking fit for the silliest things. This was different though. I was missing sleep and meals, throwing up every time he came into the shop, calling out because I just couldn’t deal with it. I chose to walk out of that job – that again, I LOVED – so that I could take care of myself. I eventually lost the house that I was renting along with many friends. Eventually, I had to move out of the cute town that I had called home… and back in with my parents. At the time, I hated it. I hated myself because I left my coworkers in the lurch,  my company was missing a sales rep, I was far away from my friends, and I was “too old” to move back in with my parents. I’m just now climbing out of the worst bout of depression I’ve ever had to deal with and realizing that quitting that job was the best decision I could have made for myself.

I’m proud of myself for that. If that had happened to me when I was younger, I would have pushed the anxiety aside and let it build up until I was in the hospital because I hadn’t slept in 3 days and my panic attacks were destroying me.

Quitting that job was really the first time in my life that I said to myself, “You can’t handle this and that is okay. This decision sucks, but you are going to be better for it.”

Before this incident, I viewed anxiety as something that I had to push through and deal with in the privacy of my own home. But on that day, I embraced it. I hate it, but it will always be a part of me and I have to take it into consideration when I’m making big life decisions. It only took 24 years to realize that I can’t hide it away in my sock drawer and only deal with it when it is convenient.

I have to take my anxiety with me when I work, when I shower, when I eat, when I sleep. And that’s okay. I will deal with it as it comes instead of letting the dread pile up and eat away at me.

I am more and more excited to find a job every day. The disappointment of not hearing back or getting a “no” in my email is daunting sometimes and I definitely let it get me down. But with every application that I send out, there is a shred of hope riding with it. Someone will call me back, someone will interview me, someone will hire me and I will have a job that I love again.

Until then, I’ll take my anxiety and let it rest – uncomfortably – in my pocket.

 

 

the “life things”

My first blog post. Eek. There are already so many ways that this can go wrong. I’ve always wanted to share my thoughts and stories and finally decided to take the dive.

I’m not sure exactly what I will cover in later posts. I’m just trying to figure out all of… the life things. The friend thing, the dating thing, the education thing, the mental illness thing, the job thing, the living situation thing… I could go on, but I’m sure you get it.

Life is hard and I’ve stumbled a lot lately, but I’m hoping for some major changes ahead and would love to share that journey with you. I’m sure that I will fail and get discouraged, but I’d like to have something to look back on when I’m older and stable (… it could totally happen!) that reminds me of how hard I worked to get there… wherever that is.